Christmas 2013

Today we celebrated Christmas with the boys' birth families...all together.

David's birth mom, uncle, aunt, cousins...

Anthony's birth mom, brother, aunt, cousin...

I wish I could describe it well enough so that you could feel as if you were celebrating with us, but it is hard to explain.  I guess I might just say that it felt right...that all of us were making such a special memory together. To experience how God is blessing us not only by bringing the boys into our family.... not only by bringing their birth moms into our family, but by actually connecting each of their extended families TOGETHER....it is amazing!

God is so good.

School at Home

Next school year, Anthony and I will begin a new journey together.

We are going to do First Grade at home. I'll be his teacher, he'll be my student and with God's help....we will both help each other grow a tremendous amount.

I told Lee the other day that when God leads me to do something that I once said I could absolutely never ever not in a million years do...it is likely HIS will and not mine:).

It certainly isn't going to be easy, but with each day I am feeling more excited and ready for it.

I'm thankful to have good friends helping to guide me in these early planning stages.

So far I have:

* ordered a first grade curriculum from...

www.sonlight.com

* written a letter of intent to school at home (but have not yet mailed it out)...

http://heav.org/basic-info/notice-of-intent/

* connected by email with someone in charge of a homeschool group near us.

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I am taking everything in slowly...not wanting to get too overwhelmed and risk scaring myself out of this plan:).

At the same time, though, I am thinking logistics and asking myself questions like:

"How is this going to work in our small space? It would be so nice to have a designated room, but that isn't a possibility so how will it look for us?" 

We'll likely use the bedroom, living room, and dining room. 

"What type of volunteer opportunities can we do together that will encourage him to use his strengths (interacting with others) with his interests?"  

Maybe an animal shelter or nursing home.

"Would it be worthwhile to get him involved and focused on a specific sport?" 

He is a fast sprinter so maybe track?

"What in the world am I going to do when we are both sick of each other and need a break??"

This is going to be an important one to address - hope to figure out something!

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 We welcome and appreciate any prayers and advice as we move forward with this.

Before I sign off, here is a picture of a calendar I bought from Lakeshore Learning Store today (how cool is it that they had a robot calendar to match the boys' paintings??) and work area we set up in the boys' bedroom:

Art & Reading

ART

A month ago, the boys and I (ok...more me than the boys) decided that their room needed some artwork. Because they love to paint and I had some extra canvases lying around, we decided that they would do the honors!

We looked online for images and they found some pictures of robots that they liked.

They sketched them out, I painted the background, drew them on the canvases, and then they painted away!



Here is the final product. Two were painted by David and two were painted by Anthony:

READING

David's reading fluency is greatly improving and Anthony is also reading quite well!

Yesterday I was looking at the space where our Christmas tree had been and well, it is always really exciting to have extra space:). We decided to use that little corner as our new 'Reading Corner.'



We need a rug or something to put down to designate the space, but for now we are using a soft blanket. On the wall, are two framed photos from David's and Anthony's adoption days and in between is this canvas that I recently found at the Lifeway Christian Bookstore:

We have already started using the space together and I hope to see the boys snuggled up in that corner and reading independently soon!

Home for Christmas & My Christmas Gift

We usually travel for Christmas. Some years we travel to California...some years we travel to New York.

This year, however, we are home for Christmas. Celebrating...just the four of us.

It isn't the first time we have had Christmas at our home. I realized this yesterday as I was looking through old photos...my family came down here to celebrate in December 2009. I spent most of my time at the hospital with Ashley so to be honest, it didn't really feel like Christmas....for any of us. 

Anyway, this year Lee and I had the responsibility of coming up with our own family traditions. We didn't plan ahead...we kind of winged it to be honest, but it was wonderful.

We attended a children's service at our church at 4pm. We all dressed up and before heading out the door, attempted to take a few family photos.

Our first attempt was unsuccessful:



This one wasn't bad:



When we returned home, Lee and I decided to go for it...'Santa' would come on Christmas Eve night. Now, for the record...I know that the mystery of Santa is something special for kids, but it is really hard for me to knowingly play into something that isn't real. My sister will tell you how horrible it was when I ruined the mystery for her when we were kids.  I don't really ever remember believing, although, I still enjoyed 'pretending' to believe.

Anyway, we focus on the fact that Christmas is Jesus' birthday, but still decided to move forward with 'Santa' for tonight.

It was hysterical and SO much fun! Anthony had previously expressed concern about not having a chimney and so I bought a large 'Magic Key' from the dollar store. It read, "Dear Santa, we don't have a chimney so please use this key."

While the boys were putting on their pajamas, we told them to stay in their room because Santa might be on his way. I quietly put out some presents and their stockings and Lee played an excellent Santa...coming in for a quick bite of the cookies and dropping off the presents.

The boys were thrilled. After opening their gifts from family and from us, we drank hot cocoa.. ate some cookies we had baked the day before...

 
and watched a video clip of little children telling the story of Jesus' life. We prayed together as a family and then snuggled them into bed. 

There we go. Now it is documented on this blog so that I won't forget what a special time we had this year!

Now, are you curious about my Christmas gift?

Lee and I don't buy each other gifts each year...we really aren't big gift givers. Or at least, I'm not...Lee is a little better than me:).

My gift this year was better than anything anyone could ever buy me.

On Sunday night, I got to spend 4 hours with sweet Baby C!! About two of those hours were spent with him sleeping in my arms:).

Do I look like I was in heaven? Because I was. Lee, David, and Anthony were also thrilled.

We are so grateful for all of the blessings in our lives and pray that our boys never lose their sense of joy and wonder during Christmas.

Twister

The boys had fun playing twister the other day:).

Remind Me...

NEVER tell Anthony we have something special planned for him for his birthday. 

Anthony to Friend

One of the privileges of working at the school where my children attend is getting to overhear some of their conversations with peers.

This afternoon, I overheard Anthony asking another child, "Do you know who God is?"

My just turned six year old is certainly bold about sharing his faith!

Pre-Birthday & PCIT Update

We celebrated Anthony's 6th birthday a few days early with his entire birth family. It went really well.

Things I learned:

1) Not telling Anthony about a special event until we are a few minutes from arriving is a great way to help avoid any subconscious sabotaging that often occurs around his birthday.

2) His manners have improved tremendously.

3) Even though he misses his little brother, his interest in playing with him is quite brief.

4) He needs to learn basic Spanish…it is important so that he can communicate with his grandparents. Now I just need to learn how to convince my husband that he should play a role in this!

5) His little brother understands and speaks less Spanish than Anthony.

6) His birth mom seems to be much more comfortable and accepting of all of our roles in Anthony's life.

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PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Therapy) has been going really well. We spend 5 minutes almost every day doing our homework AKA 'Special Play Time.' Both boys LOVE it and ask for it daily. Anthony especially cherishes this time. On Friday, our therapist collects data to assess our progress with the skills as we play with him for 5 minutes and then coaches us for the remainder of the session. It has been fun watching Lee play with Anthony and I think he feels the same when watching us:).

What I like most about the time is that it encourages such positive interactions and very strategically addresses any negative behaviors. Anthony hasn't really had any trouble so it is overall a really enjoyable interaction.

Lee and I have almost met the criteria for the Child Directed Interaction (CDI) so I am guessing that we will soon be learning about the Parent Directed Interaction (PDI) portion. It will be interesting to see what happens with that!

Snow Day & Handsome Boys

We had a snow day this Tuesday...

Today, Lee took the boys out and they came back looking quite handsome!

Friends & Jesus

"Mommy, my friend at school knows who Jesus Christ is. I know because he says his name all the time."


Hmmm......

If I Had a Girl...

I would buy her:

And she would become an engineer like her daddy. 

SO Happy

Why?

Because I just spent the past 2 hours:

- enjoying Baby C's smile
- listening to Baby C laugh
- watching Baby C spit his carrots all over Lee:)
- bathing him
- feeding him
- and rocking him to sleep

God is SO good.

Parenting with Love & Logic

Lee and I recently completed a two day 'Parenting with Love & Logic' seminar.

Let's just say that we are attempting to fill up our parenting tool belt in order to make sure we are doing everything we possibly can to help our youngest. Between the amount of training, therapy, and most importantly PRAYER that is happening for our little man...things are bound to improve at some point.

Anyway, here is something that worked for us today that I learned from Parenting with Love & Logic:

 "I charge 10 cents a minute to listen to fighting."

I earned 10 cents and the boys actually stopped arguing in the car :). 

PCIT - Parent Child Interaction Therapy

Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
www.pcit.org

We started last Friday and baseline data was collected on how Lee and I each interacted with Anthony during a 10 minute play session.

Why are we doing this? We are hoping it will help us to have more fun with him and have a positive impact on his behavior.

Today we learned about Child Directed Interaction (CDI)

Our homework is to play with him for 5 minutes a day. During our interactions, there are some DOs and DON'Ts

DO:
1) Provide labeled PRAISE (e.g., "You are working really hard building that tower!")
2) REFLECT (basically reflect back what the he has said)
3) IMITATE (imitate his play)
4) DESCRIBE (describe what he is doing)
5) ENJOY (smile and have fun)

DON'T
1) ask QUESTIONS
2) give COMMANDS
3) use CRITICISM or SARCASM

Next week, we'll play with him and keep refining our CDI skills. The therapist will be watching us and providing online suggestions and feedback through an earpiece.

Fun, huh? I'm looking forward to it!

Embarrassing, but Funny

The boys and I were at the dollar store this evening.

A boy approached and stared at Anthony. Anthony knew he was looking at his hearing aids and so he explained:

"I lost my hearing and these are my hearing aids. They help me to hear. They have stickers, wanna see?"

"Aren't they cool?" I added.

The boy nodded and then started speaking to his mom and sister.

As we walked away, Anthony commented, "They speak a different language."

David added, "Yes, they speak Spanish."

I looked at both of my beautiful brown boys and felt utterly embarrassed. Just in case anyone was listening, I loudly added:

"Yes, you both need to learn Spanish. You should ask your DADDY to teach you."

To which Anthony responded, "Yeah, daddy knows a lot of Spanish because he's an ENGINEER and engineers know a lot."

I Must...

I must write a post about how absolutely amazing Baby C's grandparents are.

When a child transitions home to family, we never expect to be able to stay in their lives, but we always hope that we can maintain some contact.

Baby C's grandparents have truly made us feel like extended family. Not only do we get to babysit, but they send us notes about how he is doing and little video clips of him. They always come at just the right time.

In fact, they invited us over today and oh…what a wonderful time we had with them! The boys were beside themselves and well, Lee and I cherish every moment we get to see the little man's smile and hear his laugh.

So whenever I look at other babies and feel that little ache in my heart for him, I must remember how incredibly blessed we are to still see and hold and love on Baby C and well…we have gained two more wonderful people to add to our extended family.

God is good.

Space for a bed

Just today we passed on the boys' dresser to a soon to be foster mom. David helped bring the drawers out to her car and we talked about praying for the little boy or girl who might use it.

He was very excited about all the space it left in his room and commented on it a couple of times while playing.

Tonight, Lee approached me and asked accusingly, "Did you talk to David about putting another bed in his room?"

I looked at the empty space where the dresser once stood and imagined Anthony's toddler bed there years ago and laughed.

"No - I promise! I said nothing. David - are you wanting another little brother to sleep in your room?"

He smiled and nodded.

Sweet David…ready to share his heart and home again!

Ah ha! There are the tears...

I've been thinking about how smoothly the baby's transition has gone for everyone - especially the boys. They both verbalize that they miss him, but then happily say that they will see him again soon.

Then today, David FINALLY cried about it. I was proud of how far he has come with understanding his own emotions that he was able to link his tears to missing the baby. From the outside it looked like he was overreacting to a struggle with his Legos. 

When I asked him if there was something else upsetting him, he broke down and said that he was really sad about Baby C leaving.

I held him as he cried and then asked if he might want to read the book we made about the baby.

He did...we read the book and he held the stuffed monkey and just cried and cried.

He finally calmed down before we sat down for dinner and then before bed he was excited to see a picture of the baby in his Halloween costume.

I'm just glad he feels safe enough to share how he is feeling so we can support him through it.

Now I just need to figure out my youngest...his grieving process is a little more tricky to figure out.

Adoption Quotes & The Baby

Anthony was looking at his Life Book and sharing it with another little boy as we were waiting for his therapy session.

The boy pointed to a picture of his birth mom and asked, "Is that your mom?"

Anthony said, "Yes."

Then the boy pointed to me and said, "Who is this?"

Anthony turned to look at me and explained, "That's my real mom. I have two moms."

Boy: "Are you adopted?"

Anthony: "Yeah, I was adopted into my family."

Boy: "Me too!"

Anthony: "Cool." 

Then Anthony picked up the book we made for the boys when the baby left.

"Do you want to see a picture of my baby brother? He lives with his grandparents now, but we still get to see him."

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Speaking of which, we babysat for Baby C on Saturday and tonight! I cannot tell you how thankful we are to be able to see him and hold him and snuggle him and kiss him and play with him and see his smile and....well, I could go on and on :).

Anyway, when Baby C saw the boys tonight...oh. my. goodness. The huge smile, the arms out, the body shaking...it was priceless.

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Best Day Ever

The house is quiet...with the exception of the ticking from our living room clock.

The boys are sleeping soundly already and I am trying to resist the temptation of eating some of their Halloween candy:).

It was a day filled with fun activity and I wanted to document it because Anthony held it together remarkably well despite all of the excitement.

He was active, but his body didn't have those same agitated nervous movements that it often does when he is overly stimulated.

My boys can be so much fun to be around and today was one of those fun days.

They are also really awesome brothers. I got to witness David standing up to one of his friends in defense of Anthony the other day. They enjoy each other so much and while they still tend to get into arguments (usually because their imaginary animals do something to agitate the other during their 'animal game' in the car on the way to school) they are great buddies. 

So here is to what David called, "the best day ever!"

May it be repeated many times in the years to come:).

Three Years

We have been doing well over here...so thankful that we have been able to continue to see Baby C. It has made a big difference for all of us, but especially for David. He asks at least ten times a day when we are going to see him again.

I am regaining my energy and desire to be out and about. Slowly but surely things are returning to the way they were before the baby. It is strange, but we are getting used to it.

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Three years.

Three years ago we met this two year old little boy with big brown eyes who came to our home and had no idea what was happening to him. He said goodbye to his mommy and cried. I held him and rocked him and he stared up at me with those eyes until he finally fell asleep.

Today that little boy is my son and oh, how I love him! He drives us nuts sometimes, but I have lately found myself just looking at him and smiling...so thankful to have him in my life. What a gift it is to be his mom. Forever.

A 'Feel Better' Quote

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

~ Winnie the Pooh

Loving & Letting Go

I wasn't so sure how I would hold up saying goodbye to Baby C tonight....I felt like I was on the verge of tears almost all day and the last thing I wanted was to be a sobbing mess during a time when I needed to hold it together.

My incredible husband left during a stressful time at work to come home and support his emotionally fragile wife so that she could pull it together for the rest of the day:). What a gift!

This last day, while incredibly sad, was still really special...both boys (especially Anthony) got some quality play time in with the baby. Lee and I both snuggled and tickled and loved on him as well.

We did everything we wanted to do to support the boys on this transition day (reading the transition book, talking about feelings, packing, giving special matching toys) and overall it went really well.

This afternoon, while Lee was rocking the baby to sleep and David was indoors finishing up some work, Anthony and I went outside.

As Anthony put on his helmet and jumped on his bike, I sat back and felt God asking me...

"Remember when you thought you were going to say goodbye to him?"

I remembered as if it were yesterday...watching him and David on their bikes, wondering what it was going to be like without him with us. And yet, I have the privilege of now calling Anthony my son forever!

And so in the midst of sorrow, I felt joy and deep appreciation for our family....what a gift to be able to raise our two boys and join them in experiencing what it is like to love with all our hearts despite knowing that we will need to let go.

You'd think it would get easier...

One thing I am learning about loss (at least for myself), is that saying goodbye seems to get harder each time.

Sure, all of the experiences have helped me to know what superficial things I can do to help process the loss (for me and the boys), but the emotions involved in loving and letting go...it doesn't get easier. 

Why not? 

Because with each goodbye, you grieve all of the others before...

As I held sweet Baby C and rocked him to sleep tonight for the last time, I cried. I cried because I love him with all my heart and it hurts to let go. 

Then my mind wandered back to the other goodbyes...

(Z) reaching out and crying for me as I left her. 

Ashley peacefully lying in her mother's arms after passing away. 

Jaqueline holding me tight as we hugged before she boarded the plane back to Mexico...without Ashley. 

This was important for me to realize because it helps me to better understand my boys and how their early experiences with loss causes them to be more acutely aware of it in everyday life.

Of course, I might feel rather depressed if this is where things ended, but the truth is...the pain in saying goodbye yields blessings beyond what we can imagine. I am so thankful that I have a God who is in the business of healing hearts.

As we face the goodbye tomorrow, I pray that our family takes comfort in knowing that Baby C, just like all the others we have said goodbye to, is protected by a God who considers him precious in his sight.



Transitions for the ones who stay....

David has experienced the preparation for and the actual transition of a few of his foster siblings.

This is Anthony's first time.

Here are some things we have done to help them. We are blessed because the baby's grandparents have really helped to make this an ideal transition for them in addition to the baby.

1) Picked out a song that will remind us of him
2) Visited his new house and room
3) Painted canvases for the baby's nursery
4) Created a book with written memories, pictures, and what the boys can do if they miss him
5) Indicated on the calendar when he would be moving

What I hope to do on his last day:

1) Have the boys help to pack some of his things
2) Listen to his song with him
3) Bring the boys with me when dropping him off at his home
4) Give each of them a gift - probably three of the same stuffed animals (the big boys really like stuffed animals) so that it can be used as a comfort item when they are missing him


Please feel free to send me any of your thoughts or ideas!

 

No TV

Yesterday afternoon, my sons actually ASKED to read books before playing. 

That may have helped to convince my husband that not having TV for all these years is worth it.  

16 more days

16 more days until the little one officially moves.

It has been difficult to pinpoint my emotions lately although I do find myself saying, "I feel sad" quite a bit.

He is going to a wonderful and loving home so that sadness is mixed with relief that at least I won't be worried about him.

Praying that I stay focused on God's perspective and not mine. I want to be able to support David and Anthony through this. 

Mom of Four Boys

This would have been me if Lee had said 'yes' to the social worker who called today:).

Lunches

Lee has taken over making lunches for the boys.

Gone are the days of boring lunches by mommy....here's a look at what they are getting now!

Car Conversations with My 6 Year Old

David: "Mommy, how are boys and girls different? I mean are their bodies the same?"

Me: ..........

Do you really think I would write out that answer? Let's just say that as I was explaining how boys and girls are different, I was thinking to myself, "There is no way I could have said this with a straight face 10 years ago."

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David "I am learning about the brain. Did you know that in our brain we have the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the fre-frontal cortex?

Me: "You mean the pre-frontal cortex?"

David: "Yeah. The amygdala is the center for our emotions, the hippocampus is where we store our memories, and the pre-frontal cortex is what helps us make decisions."

Me: "Wow, you are really learning a lot in the first grade, David."

David: "Yeah, I know."

I was also thinking that his great-grandpa (who recently published the book, Implications of Brain Research for the Church) would be SO proud!

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September 20

September 20, 2007 - Birthday Surprise! David and his big brother joined our family 20 minutes after social services called to ask if they could stay with us for just five days:).

What God taught me that year: PATIENCE in Waiting


September 24, 2008 - A few days late, but little Z joined our foster family...a belated birthday surprise:). 

What God taught me that year: God gives us His LOVE for children when we ask.


September 20, 2011 - Another Birthday Surprise! Jaqueline's daughter, Frida, was born on my birthday. My friend, Terri, and I traveled all the way to Mexico to meet her. I was hoping to be there for her birth, but was one day late. It was a really special gift to be able to meet her and see Jaqueline again.

What God taught me that year: with God we will always have HOPE

September 20, 2013.

No surprises today (yet!), but I have been enjoying a slow morning and afternoon with Baby C. He has his first overnight visit tonight and we are all praying it goes well. 

What God is teaching me this year: PEACE despite the circumstance

Compliments

Since Baby C arrived, I have been receiving more compliments than I can count. They typically sound like this:

"Wow, you look great for just having a baby!"

When David was little I never got any compliments.

With him, people would usually say, "He must look just like his daddy!"

Sometimes I would have fun with that and answer, "I'm not sure, I've never met him." 

No Mother of the Year Award for Me

Guess who completely forgot to take her children to their dentist appointment on WEDNESDAY and would not have ever remembered except that her husband sent her the voicemail from the dentist office both confirming and then stating we were late?

Yeah, that would be me.

One Month Left

"This is the mysterious pattern of God's work in the world, the pattern of loss that brings gain, willing sacrifice that yields abundance, self-forgetfulness that creates a space for the remembering of God." 

As I cradle and rock sweet Baby C, I can't help but acknowledge how much he feels like mine. After a busy day today, his sleep was not sound and he woke up crying. I picked him up and held him...he melted into my arms as if to say, "Ahhh now I feel safe again." As I gently placed him back into the crib, I prayed silently for God to help his heart open and attach strongly to his new mom and dad....to help him feel as safe and secure and at home in his new home...

Transitions. We have until the beginning of October with our little man and then it will be time to let him go.

The boys are adamant that they want him to stay, but alas...that is not in God's plans and that is ok because at this young age, they are learning that....

"This is the mysterious pattern of God's work in the world, the pattern of loss that brings gain, willing sacrifice that yields abundance, self-forgetfulness that creates a space for the remembering of God."

Now I just pray that God gives me the strength to help support the boys as they learn more about their capacity to love even when it means your heart might break a little in the process.

Special Activity

The boys have a First Time Listening treasure chest chart that they fill with jewel stickers every time they are first time listeners.

When their charts are filled, they get to choose a special activity with either Lee or myself.

David recently opted to have his face painted and so Lee ordered the face paints and I painted away! Anthony decided on the same activity. We all thoroughly enjoyed it:). 

Spiderman:

Camouflage Face:

Dinner Conversation

Anthony: "Mommy, when Baby C leaves, I want to pray for a baby sister."

David: "I don't, I want to pray for a baby brother just like Baby C."

"I Bet You're Not Gonna Miss..."

Disclaimer: This post is about my current feelings and in no way negates the fact that I trust in God's perfect plans for our sweet boy nor does it take away from the fact that he has awesome grandparents who are going to love him with all their hearts.

Someone recently said to me, after learning that the baby would be transitioning soon..."I bet you're not gonna miss waking up at night."

What I said: "Actually, it isn't that bad."

What I wanted to say: "I would give up consistent sleep for the rest of my life if it meant that he could stay." 

I love this little guy with all of my heart. I feel like his mother and that is how he deserves for me to feel.

If you knew that your child was only with you for a short while, would you daydream about having a full night of sleep?

I doubt it.

While my heart is aching at the thought of saying goodbye...and I sometimes wonder how he is going to feel when he is crying and I'm not there to comfort him....

I am grateful. 

I am grateful because one way that God is using our circumstances is to help me cherish every single moment I have with this precious little boy.

Believe it or not, I am even going to miss washing all of his bottles:).

Greatest Moment

Today's Greatest Moment:

Dancing with all THREE boys and seeing the smile on Baby C's face as he watched the big boys show off their moves.

Yesterday & Today

Yesterday and today have been beautiful so we have been taking full advantage of being outdoors as much as possible.

Anthony has learned to ride a bike without training wheels and now so has David! They have been proudly practicing...riding around in circles for hours.

The baby is still as happy as can be...still melting our hearts daily with his sweet smile. He has also been enjoying the fresh air and loves to watch the boys...you can tell he can't wait to join them!

Yesterday and today I have managed to stay calm and patient (for the most part) with Anthony. He doesn't like it one bit and I know he desperately wants to get a rise out of me...hence the more extreme tantrums. I am praying that I have the stamina to push through until he learns that his positive behaviors get him more attention than his negative:).

Yesterday and today David has been extremely helpful. Today, after dinner, he exclaimed, "You know what? Life is really good!" It is really cool to see him that happy and excited about life. He has been a chatterbox...talking about different things he could invent...how he is so glad that the world isn't all 'the same' because that would be boring and then scientists wouldn't have as much to discover...he goes on and on. It is hard to follow sometimes, but adorable, nonetheless.

Anyway, that is a little snapshot of our yesterday and today...we are looking forward to tomorrow and the weekend during which Baby C will have visits, the boys will have lunch with daddy, we will go to a foster care picnic, enjoy church together, and celebrate the birthday of our former foster daughter!

Gifts as Reminders

I have been whining lately. Whining about not wanting to say goodbye to the baby. 

Then God helped me take a step back...reminded me WHY he called us to be foster parents. It certainly wasn't just to do something fun and easy that would make us happy:).

There is a much bigger purpose and while I certainly need to be able to process all of the emotions that go along with loss, I don't want my selfishness to cause me to miss out on all of the incredible blessings we have been given through the trials.

Today God gave me two gifts. I want to write them down because I will need to look back on them over the upcoming months.

1) Conversation with David in the car:

"Mommy, do you remember when the baby first came to church with us and people prayed that God would take care of him and keep him safe and do what is best for him? Last night, after daddy said goodnight, I prayed for Baby C. I prayed that he would feel safe with his grandma and grandpa and that he would grow up to be a good man who cares about other people and is nice and knows Jesus." 

What a gift it was to be able to see how God is shaping the heart of my oldest through this experience.

2) Baby C's Song:

Last night, I chose a song for the baby. For every child who joins our foster family, we designate a song just for them so that whenever we listen to it, we think of them. We try to play it often while they are here and then send it along with them in case one day they might listen and think of us. Baby C is probably too small for that, of course, but he still gets a song. 

This is the song we chose for Baby C. The words are perfect:

My Wish by Rascal Flatts

BUT his reaction when I played it for him....PRICELESS. I was holding him and rocking him to sleep as it played. His eyes were closed and he was snuggled into me. All of the sudden, he looks up into my eyes and breaks out into the biggest smile! Then he starts to giggle a little. What a gift that was. Every time I listen to that song, I will think of his sweet smiling face.


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So those were my gifts today. They lifted my spirit and were an incredible reminder of how much God cares for each and every one of us...no matter what we are going through.

Questions

David and Anthony met Baby C's grandmother yesterday.

She was so sweet with them! Even called them 'big brothers' to the baby.

David understands what is happening...what it means for a sibling to leave. Anthony on the other hand...well, this is going to be hard for him.

At the end of the visit, he asked worriedly, "Is Baby C coming home with us?"

On the way home, David asked me..."Will we still know Baby C when he get's older? Will we still know him when he is an adult?"

Oh, I pray we do.

David Quote - Color

"Mommy, in our family you are the only one who is a different color, but now that Baby C is with us, you're not the odd one out any more!"

It's Been A While!

So I didn't have the ability to blog while we were in CA for two weeks. Because of this, you are going to be bombarded with pictures in this post.

Ready?

Here you go!

Food pictures: Lee was so kind to take the boys out every once in a while to give me a break. I stayed back with the baby.

Beach Day: It just happened to be the coldest day while we were there, but the boys did not care one bit.

Orange County Family Pictures

Practicing using a tennis racket with Papa. 

Showing Aunt Vikki his Leap Pad.

I guess you'll need to turn your head sideways for this one...can't figure out how to fix it. Here is a picture of the boys with their 'cousin' Taylor. They had fun riding a train and playing at the playground with her and little Jack at Irvine Park. 

Anthony and Papa at Irvine Park.



Anthony, Abby, and Elizabeth. David joined them later...wish I had pictures of them playing 'princess' in the backyard:).



David showing Tori his Book Nook.

My cousin, Rachel, and I with Baby C at the pool.

San Diego Family Pictures

Anthony with Abuelo.

Anthony with Abuela and cousin, Isaac.

David with Abuelo.

The boys playing mini-golf with Uncle Jimmy. They now consider themselves expert golf players haha.
 

The three of us on the carousel at the Wild Animal Park. Sorry...had to blur out the baby's face, but isn't it great to finally see Anthony's? 

Dear Baby C

Dear Baby C,

What a gift it has been to be your mommy for this past month! Soon your grandpa and grandma will take over this role, but before we say goodbye...I want to write down all that we love about you so that we never forget.

Every single time you look at us with those big blue eyes and that bright smile, it brings us so much joy.

The way that you snuggle into me as you fall asleep...your sweet little puckered lips...the way your hand rests on me and sometimes grabs mine...I willingly give you a piece of my heart every single time, knowing that you will take it with you wherever you go.

You love to watch sign language and are starting to find humor in silly sounds. Your attention span for looking at pictures in books is incredible and you really like it when we sing.

You don't like the car seat at all, but love being outdoors and looking up at the trees and sky. You smile when you hear the water running for your bath and you love getting washed, but are not so fond of getting out.

You sleep with your arms lifted above your head or over your face and the little noises you make are absolutely precious.

Baby C, you will always have a most special place in our hearts. Your grandpa and grandma are going to take great care of you...we pray that God blesses you and protects you...He has great plans for your life and we sure do hope that we'll be allowed to watch...even if from a distance!

First Years

I'm so sorry that I missed it...the first time he smiled, the first time he rolled over, the first time he laughed.

I wish I could have carried him close, snuggled him, keeping him safe and cheering him on as he began to explore the world around him.

I missed out on those first years of Anthony's life and I often forget how important they are.

I have been struggling lately....it is so hard to be patient with him at times...especially when he makes the same mistake over and over and over again. I feel too tired to be creative and think of new solutions.

The thing is, his behavior isn't all that bad (except when he hits David or pees all over the bathroom floor). It is the little things that push my buttons when we are with each other all day. The non-stop talking and noise making, the arguing, the constant questioning, the interrupting....

Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if we had those first years together.

But then I realize, he was shaped by those first years...the good and the hard. I love him and his non-stop, outgoing, spunky personality is what makes him Anthony.

And so I pray for patience and for the ability to show him unconditional love while maintaining boundaries.

One thing about Anthony is that every day is a brand new day for him...he rarely remembers or dwells on what has happened in the past. Yes, it is part of the reason he forgets things every. single. day., but it is also the reason he has such a cheerful disposition.

I hope that tomorrow I can wake up with that same attitude!

Whew!

What a gift it was to have one day this week without any appointments!

I am so thankful for my husband who does everything he can to allow me to get enough sleep so that I am 'with it' for the kids:)

I am so thankful for my two big boys who, when they aren't driving me and each other crazy, are extremely fun, helpful, and kind. I could not have accomplished our trip to COSTCO today without them. David carried an entire box of diapers from our car to the house.

My neighbors and friends are awesome...helping me with the boys while I take the baby for visits. 

We are all incredibly thankful to get to love and care for Baby C for however long he is a part of our family. It has been particularly special watching David's interactions with him now...it reminds me SO much of his big brother and him when he was just 3 months old.

How Could I Forget?

Perhaps it is because I too easily slipped into a more 'normal' life after Anthony's adoption....

Perhaps it is because it has been so long since we have been REAL foster parents...

Whatever the reason, I can't believe I forgot how DIFFERENT fostering parenting is from regular parenting.

* monthly foster care reports documenting every appointment, every bruise, every activity...everything. 

* multiple visits a week: birth family visits, social worker visits, visits to the doctor, visits with the GAL, visits with the CASA

* Family Planning Meetings, court hearings....

Then there is the unexpected..."So and so claimed she saw bruises during the visit." that requires more visits with photographs and such.

Whew.

I'm not complaining at all...please don't get me wrong...I love it and God teaches me so much through it. He has given me a good glimpse into my weaknesses as my patience with the older boys wears thin, is providing me with opportunities to forgive, and has set up circumstances so that I have to rely on Him...every single moment of the day.

It is just a little overwhelming jumping back in...especially with a much larger family this time!

However, I would not change a thing. Not a single thing.

This is a picture of Anthony with 'his baby' in a home-made sling:).

I am Thankful for...

- my husband, who is washing bottles at the moment

- Baby C, who is peacefully sleeping in my arms right now with a little smile appearing on this face every now and then

- my big boys, who take their new role as big brothers very seriously and throw diapers away without complaining :)

Cuteness

There is a ridiculous amount of 'cuteness' in my life.

See? 

We all just cannot get enough of Baby C. He is absolutely precious! 

I think Lee might be the most smitten:).

He Said 'No' but God Said 'Yes'

Wednesday Night Dialogue

Kaari: "Lee, you need to do more continuing education hours to keep up our foster care license."

Lee:  "No...we're done for now."

Thursday Afternoon Dialogue

Co-Worker: "So when are you going to get a baby?"

Kaari: "Oh, Lee said no and I'm fine with it...eventually we'll get a bigger home and be able to foster again."

Phone Call 5 Minutes Later

Co-Worker: "Your husband is on line 1."

Lee: "We got a call about a baby boy...."

Thursday Evening

The boys were thrilled to meet their new foster brother. He is absolutely precious! 

Here are pictures in which you cannot see his face, but you can certainly see the excitement in Anthony's!