What God is Trying to Teach Me

I must admit that at times I find myself blocking out what God is trying to teach me...simply because it feels too overwhelming and I'd rather 'not go there.'

Yesterday was one of those days when it was obvious that God was trying to send me a message through (A), but I did not embrace it. I didn't not embrace it mostly because I didn't want to break down in tears in front of him.

It started yesterday morning, when (A) informed me that he loved Jesus very much. It continued during bath time when he pointed out the Bible verse I hung up in the bathroom. I put it there because it was a verse that provided me comfort when thinking of our little man leaving...

He had not taken notice of it in months, but last night he asked me to read it over three times. By the third time, I had a feeling God was wanting me to really THINK about the words.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Finally, at bed time, he picked out a new book that we had not read together before. It was a book about heaven.

I went to sleep early last night...not really wanting to embrace what God was trying to teach me, but here I am tonight, thankful again for the reminder that this life is temporary and that our loving Heavenly Father has much bigger plans for our lives than we could ever imagine.

So This is What it Feels Like...

....when your heart is breaking.

After I returned home with (A) from a visit today, David cried hysterically in my arms for almost 30 minutes because he didn't want his brother to leave. I cradled him in my arms and rocked him...just letting him cry it out.

I know those tears because I have cried the same way myself over losing him. I am so glad that he is able to grieve. He needs to, but watching him literally breaks my heart.

Intense

I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for this. Sometimes I feel like God should have called someone else...someone more bold...someone with more energy and stamina...someone other than me.

Then I realize...God's power is made perfect in our weakness and goodness knows I have enough of that SO...I try to just let go and let Him work.

Last night, in between baths for the boys, I called David's birth mom. Lee and I thought that we might be able to get together with her tonight since it has been a while. She answered and I knew something wasn't right. Her breathing was fast and when I asked her if she was ok, she said 'no.'

Fast forward to the ER. She was scared and so I held her hand, hugged her, and tried to distract her when it was time for the IV. I marveled at how close and connected I felt toward her.

"Are you a friend or a relative?" the nurses asked. Both are true in a way, but I told them I was her friend.

It was a late night, but God gave me a gift! Do you want to hear what it was??

Well, over two years ago, there was this little guy (although he wasn't so little!) who joined our family for only one week. Despite that short amount of time, I really connected with him and will always have a soft place in my heart for C. I had been thinking of him and wondering how he was doing.

I was in the ER room with David's birth mom when all of the sudden, this little boy fell in front of the door. I got up to look and did a double take. Could it be? Yes! He was with his grandmother who had no idea who I was, but I asked her, "Is this C?" She said yes and I explained how I knew him - vaguely.

I talked with him for a while, got him to smile and couldn't stop smiling myself after I said goodbye. Is that cool or what? I mean, what are the chances that we would be at the same hospital at the same time and that he would just happen to fall in front of our room....

God is so good.

A good friend of mine and another woman who also cares for David's birth mom kindly took my place at a late hour so that I could go home and sleep for a few hours before leaving for work.

I wanted to stay, but I knew that today I needed to be somewhat rested and emotionally stable as we had a meeting for (A) at social services.

Then tomorrow is the IF YOU WERE MINE Adoption Workshop that Family Life is putting on at our church!

I'm so excited to see what God does tomorrow, but at the same time I feel so incredibly exhausted...physically and emotionally. It has been an intense few days and sometimes I just don't feel cut out for it all.

Thankfully, God's power is made perfect in our weakness in order that I can "boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

Too fast

It felt like a beautiful spring day today. Lee took the boys out to do some bike riding this afternoon and as I watched them speeding down the sidewalk, I couldn't get over how big they have gotten! See?

If you think of it, please pray that my thoughts stay focused on God during this time. My brain seems to be stuck on thinking, "I just want him to stay." 

David's Prayer Tonight

"Dear God,

(A) is going to live with his mommy soon and I am going to be sad when he leaves. Please help me to feel better because I am going to feel sad and I don't want him to go. Amen."

Finally- A Little Bit of Normal!

It has been hard to feel like a 'normal' family these days...whatever a normal family feels like anyway! The big feelings that the boys are having, the emotional outbursts, the anger, the uncertainty, the feeling of exhaustion....

(A) has been having a rough time for the obvious reasons, but these past two days David has also been quite emotional and on edge. We had a breakdown on our way to school and when I picked him up. I've learned from him that when he cries for ridiculous reasons, he just needs some extra love and cuddles and then bounces back fairly easily.

So I spoke briefly to his teachers and asked how his week was going. They told me that he has been doing exceptionally well in class.

Do you know what my response was??

YEAH!!!! FINALLY!!! We are saving all the behaviors for at home....that makes us slightly more normal!! It is so much easier for me to handle 'stuff' at home, knowing that they are holding it together during the day and 'saving it for me' if you will. Wait...did I use the plural 'they are?' I take that back, cause my other little guy seems to do the opposite- he saves it for school! Thank the Lord that his teachers are unbelievably patient with him and love him to death.

Speaking of (A), I am starting something with him. I want to share it on this blog in hopes that it might help other foster parents who might be reading. I can't share many details about him or his case on here, but it doesn't hurt to give a few suggestions about how we are handling this potentially huge loss (no matter what the judge decides).

Thanks to David's amazing therapist (who we are loosing in a week- so so sad about that), I have been purposefully talking about the emotions (A) might be feeling about his mom and everything. Tonight, after we read a book and prayed, I asked (A) if he had any questions about his mommy. He didn't, but he had questions about his little brother. I then did the same with David. It was so nice to hear them ask questions and to be able to talk more openly about everything with them.

Their questions were very different. David is already trying to understand adoption and what adoption means...I'm so glad we are having these conversations now so that they will be more natural later on.

Ok, so talking about judges and birth mothers deciding on adoption for their children may not be the most typical of night time conversations for 'normal' families, but at least one of my sons is starting to save his misbehavior and outbursts for me at home....I am going to celebrate that little bit of normal!

Time Away & Vitamins

Have you ever felt pushed to the edge and you wonder why you can't just 'chill' and enjoy your kids?

Yeah, I was there.

Then I had a little break from them and took my vitamins this morning. What an amazing difference!

I came home, helped with baths, and thought to myself, "Wow- there's my patience. Thank you, God!"

(A) and I danced to music and played chase in the living room. That kid is fast. I should be faster because I have longer legs, but I'm not. He caught me and we fell to the floor and laughed. It felt good to enjoy him with his ridiculous amount of energy despite being sick:). Please pray we don't have to put him on steroids. I'm not sure that my patience will hold out for that!

Well, I guess I could just take more time away and maybe more vitamins? :)