Not Quite a Scar

A few months ago, I reflected...

I think that deep emotional wounds are the same as those that are physical. At first our emotions are raw and then rough. Sometimes they feel covered up, but then they reopen..sometimes when we least expect it. Finally, our emotions become more stable and normal, but there is always that reminder....that scar.

I was thinking that after this amount of time (what has it been- about 7 months since Ashley passed away?) I might just have the scar to remind me about that loss. But I don't. It's still a scab. I know because it just reopened.

Again, it was a series of 'little things' that scraped away at that scab. They began on Thursday afternoon...

~ Lee had returned from his business trip and needed to be picked up from the airport. No big deal. We were so excited to welcome him home! Didn't realize that driving into the airport would remind me of the last time I had been inside of one...saying goodbye to Jaqueline. The feeling/memory passed quickly. Scrape.

~ Then I saw the sign to 'Landmark Aviation' and more memories came flooding back. This is where a good friend of mine and I had driven to meet Ashley on the night she was brought from Mexico to DC. I remember feeling so nervous and not knowing what to expect. Her grandmother had shared with Lee that Ashley was 'a ghost of herself.'

I was so worried that she would be cold flying from Mexico to DC in the middle of winter so we waited with extra blankets. They arrived around 3am and it felt like ages as they completed the customs check and wheeled her in. She was in a car seat. Her eyes were open. Her hair was gone. She was so thin and her lips were blue (from the gatorade they gave her on flight to help with dehydration). I remember thinking she didn't look as bad I expected. Probably because her skin was so tan.

They allowed me to join her in the ambulance and I was just praying that she would recognize my voice or face. She had to be so scared. On the stretcher was her diaper bag. I didn't realize how many emotions that could evoke! Memories from when she and Jaqueline were in our home and a stark reminder of the incredible sacrifice her mom had just made in sending her to the US- alone.

Whew. I did say they came flooding back, did I not? I shook my head and kept driving...pushing it to the back to deal with later. Scrape.

They continued on Friday...

~ I was so excited to see my sister, brother-in-law, and their new baby! What I didn't realize, was the emotions that a hospital evokes. I saw a family walk out of the hospital. A woman had been crying. They were holding pillows. They were leaving. They looked as though they had lost. Scrape.

~ This next one was random- socks. Those ridiculous hospital socks that will now always remind me of Jaqueline. We joked about those 'sexy socks' after she had her surgery. She brought them back with her to Mexico and even brought the pair back to the US when she traveled to be with Ashley! Ashley had her own smaller version of those socks when she was admitted into Children's. Scrape.

~ The final scrape was unexpected. It was after a long day driving, waiting at the hospital, joyful emotions at seeing my niece. I was tired, but happy. My dear grandmother sent a beautiful email for me to forward to my sister and then soon after, called me to apologize about something.

Grandma, I was crying while you were on the phone...and after, but not about what you might have been thinking. I know you consider David to be your great-grandson and thank you for all of the long-distance love and care you show him! I began crying when you mentioned that it was hard for you to let yourself love him at first because you "didn't know how long he was going to be with us."

I was crying because we never know how long someone is going to be with us.

I was crying because it brought back memories of when we didn't think David would be staying...

I was crying because it brought back memories of looking at pictures of the day that Ashley was born and how it felt when she died...

I was crying because of the pain. The pain that there is in life...in giving life. The pain that there is in death...in loosing ones that we love.

I thank God for this pain because without it, I would not fully comprehend how precious life is. I pray that Erin and Marty treasure every single moment with baby Naomi. I pray that God helps us all to live each day as though it is our last....loving others deeply despite the fact that we never know how long they will be with us.