Happy, but Missing Her

Last night I cleaned out our hallway closet. Don't ask me why. It has been on my 'to do' list for quite some time and I all of the sudden felt motivated to throw things away, organize, and clean. Lee says that I'm nesting and maybe he is right...we are officially ready to welcome more children into our home if we are needed. I have been waiting and praying for our next child and his/her family for quite some time, though.

While looking on that messy shelf cluttered with random items- tape, batteries, lotion, soap...I found some of Jaqueline's things that she left here. Her lotion, her nail polish, her sponge. I was able to get rid of some this, but there was one thing that I couldn't throw away- a large tin can with worn construction paper taped around it. Inside it held all of her pens, pencils, markers, and even a pez dispenser. Outside it was carefully decorated with glitter hearts and her hand written "I Love Ashley." She wasn't living here when she made this, but I could feel what love and care went into it. I couldn't bring myself to throw any of it away. It sits on our closet shelf- pez dispenser and all...in case she comes back.

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I am happy. I am happy that I just had the opportunity to spend time with my family and meet my beautiful niece. I am happy that I had the chance to spend quality time with Lee and David this weekend. I am happy and feel so incredibly blessed by all of the people in my life.

But I miss her. I miss Ashley. I miss Jaqueline. I wish she was here.

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Do you ever look around and think you see the people you miss? I'm not asking if you have hallucinations or anything like that...just if you ever see someone who looks like a person you love and for a brief second, you heart stops because you think it might be them?

It's happened twice to me. The first time was at the grocery store. A cashier reminded me of Jaqueline. Poor girl was probably wondering why this crazy lady was staring at her. I didn't stare for long. I had to look away so that I wouldn't start crying. I felt so sad. I missed her.

The second time was more recently. There was a girl sitting on the stairs near our condo. She was sitting with her back turned to us. All of the sudden I thought- What if Jaqueline came back? What if this is her waiting for us to come home? Don't worry...the thought didn't last long and I didn't run and hug this poor stranger or anything:).

You know what I love about my GRA8 GOD, though? He never fails to send me reminders of His presence during both the happy and sad times. I felt Him as I looked at Naomi's sweet, peaceful, face and realized how miraculous the creation of life is. I feel Him through the joy that I have when I am with my husband and son. I even feel Him when I am missing her.

Today I was comforted by a song that I heard on the radio on my way home from grocery shopping. The timing was perfect. I needed to hear these words:

This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark