Remembering & Healing

(A) has been forging through the grieving process this month and it is so intriguing to me how he is slowly, but surely healing from his losses.

God has been giving me an appreciation for this process by bringing me back to Children's Hospital. I had been to the lobby, cafeteria, and passed the morgue back in August, but had not been to the ER nor the Fourth Floor.

(A)'s corn kernel incident brought me to the ER at Children's. I was fine with that really, until I passed the 'code room' to which Ashley was rushed the day before she died. I couldn't help the memories from quickly flooding in at that point. Of course, (A)'s traumatic experiences during those first two attempts at removing the kernel kept me more focused on comforting him. I always say that hospital visits are always opportunities for bonding. This time was no exception and I was thankful for that.

When we returned home, Lee asked if I had recognized anyone there. To be honest, I don't know if I would remember what the nurses looked like. I know that Ashley's last nurse was named Sara and she made such a big impact on us, but I don't know that I would recognize her face now and that upsets me. My emotions were high and my dear sister was kind enough to listen to my sobs as I shared how hard it was to be reminded of Ashley in that way.

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I can still hear the beeping of the monitors and feel the fear of what it might be like when they went flat. I can hear all of the hard questions people asked me that I wasn't able to answer for Jaqueline. I can still see her small, frail body on that bed...her head tilted back to help her breath. Her eyes, her nose, her little mouth permanently in the open position because she didn't have the strength to close it. I can see Jaqueline and Ashley's father by her bed- clinging to her. The room was quiet at that point. Everyone had left except us. Ashley was still alive. Not knowing how much longer she would have, I bent over and kissed her forehead. I told her to have fun dancing with Jesus...to tell him that a feast with empanadas might be nice. Jaqueline smiled at that. We all started to calm down.

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(A) had surgery this morning. I sure do love that kid. What an incredible blessing to be a part of his opening up and sharing emotions about his loss. What a gift to be able to hug and kiss and comfort him. I'm thankful that he is feeling safe enough to remember his pain and begin to heal from it. I am learning that I need to continue to do the same...



David's quote of the day (after dancing to music together): "I like hearing songs about Jesus because when I hear them it makes me feel loved. My heart feels love."