I (sort of) remember when he was a toddler...his great smile and curiosity.
My memory of those times isn't perfect, but I do remember experiencing a strong, imminent feeling of loss during both of those stages. I remember two distinct moments - one when he just joined our family at 3 months of age and the other when he was about 13 months old.
My thoughts were pretty much the same: I'm going to miss out on watching him grow up...I'm going to miss out on having conversations with him and listening to his thoughts about life...
When you are a foster parent and know that your children will not stay with you, it doesn't keep you from forming deep attachments with them. I does, however, give you the constant (and necessary) reminder that you are not the one in control. For me, I have a God who I trust to be in control, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel the loss...
I look at David now and am so much more grateful for the opportunity to watch him grow up and to listen to his thoughts about life. And he IS growing up....really fast. See?
These last two were taken at a 'graduation' at day care. I think the criteria was knowing his ABC's :). Too cute!
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Is it ok if I write a little about (A)? I don't know why, but I have been using this summer to start preparing myself for his reunification because I need to be prepared for his sake. It would be easy to pretend like he is staying with us. My goodness, it is hard to think of our family without him! However, it is likely that he will be re-joining his mom and you know what...our calling as foster parents is to help FAMILIES heal and while that can look different depending on the situation, we need to be actively praying that God uses us to do just that for (A) and his mom.
Today, I read a description of (A) from before he joined our family: "aggressive and sad"
That really struck me. Sometimes I wish I could have seen him before. I wish I could know exactly what people mean when they say, "Wow, he's like a different child" or "It's amazing the difference." I wish that I could have held him when he was an infant, cheered him on as he started to walk and explore as a toddler...
(A) has changed tremendously from when he first joined our family to now. We are so proud of him for how far he has come. It is easy to see his progress:
BEFORE: He used to hit other people and refuse to share. He would cringe when we touched him gently to show him how to be gentle and sulk when we didn't give him a toy right away.
AFTER: He tried teaching his little brother how to be gentle and sometimes shares his toy before his 'two minutes' are up!
BEFORE: All he could say while we were in the car was: "airplane" "water"
AFTER: Now he talks nonstop, "Mommy, mommy, look I see three bird flying uh nest, mommy!"
BEFORE: He didn't know the names of any animals in Spanish or English and it took at LEAST 50 repetitions for him to learn.
AFTER: He now picks up words incidentally and knows animals like seal, walrus, and manatee.
BEFORE: He could only sit for about 1 minute while listening to a book.
AFTER: He can sit and listen to 3-4 books at a time before bed.
Amazing, right? But let's get back to reunification. He loves his mom and little brother. Loves them. Talks about them all the time. This makes it a little easier for me to think about losing him, but just a little. When it comes down to it, I really need to be praying for healing for his mom. I need to be praying that she will trust God to give her the strength to break a difficult cycle and to get to a place so that she can have healthy relationships and demonstrate that to her children. (A) needs and deserves that.
So after I read those words, "aggressive and sad," (A) started waking up from his nap. I went over to him, held him, looked into his dark brown eyes and smiled...he smiled a little smile back and snuggled into my arms. I prayed silently, "Dear God, protect (A)'s heart...help him to learn right from wrong and to stand firm in what he knows and believes. Help him to keep his joy and to grow up to be a loving, strong, and godly man.....P.S., I'd really love to be there to see your final product! Amen."
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