At one point, I woke up feeling groggy and had a moment of de ja vu. The way I felt reminded me of one of the many nights I spent in the hospital with Ashley. I think it was the first night I fell asleep there. I had been awake for about two days after she initially arrived from Mexico. The nurse woke me up and asked me to leave her room because there was something wrong with her IV. I groggily walked to one of the family rooms at the hospital and tried to sleep despite the bright lights. When I finally returned and learned that we had almost lost her, well, it was hard to sleep well at the hospital after that.
David's fever spiked to 105 today and so upon suggestion of his pediatrician, we were on our way to the ER. I wasn't overly worried because by the time we were on our way, his fever was going down. I knew what they were going to tell us- it is just a virus...alternate motrin and tylenol for his fever and if it persists after a few days, take him to his pediatrician.
While driving to the ER, something about it felt so familiar, but not in a good way. Then it hit me, today is January 6th. Three years ago, Ashley was discharged from the hospital and we were driving her home. In two days, it will be the anniversary of her death.
I used to be so much better at this- going to hospitals- but my stamina is declining. I felt exhausted after tonight's trip with David. Maybe it was because it had been a while...maybe it was because of the time of year and the memories it evoked. Who knows?
Still....it humors me when I get the inevitable comment from nurses, "You look familiar." Seriously. Almost ever single time we go, some nurse says that to me. I'm not sure why I look familiar, but I always wonder if it is because back in the day I practically lived in the ER and hospital. Or maybe it is just because I am so regular like (A) says!
Anyway, guess what the doctor's recommendations were? You guessed it...we headed home with a prescription for what I call 'the magic vomit pill' (AKA Zofran) even though we didn't need it and the same recommendations I had assumed they would give us.
At home, David ate some dinner, took his antibiotics for that throat infection he had on Wednesday, did his inhaler for his coughing, and took tylenol for his fever. I laid on the couch trying to rest and get rid of my headache when my sweet, sick, David comes over, puts a blanket over me and says, "There mommy, that will make you more comfortable. I hope your headache feels better."
It was then that I realized that despite how uncomfortable it feels to remember all of those times we spent at the ER and hospital with diagnoses of possible cancer, apendicitis, pneumonia, and a brain tumor, each and every trip was worth it. For every uncomfortable memory is paired with an amazing story of how God used that circumstance for his glory.
David's sweet action of giving me a blanket so that I could be comfortable despite his own illness, brought me back to one final, but familiar memory from January 8, 2010....a few hours after Ashley left this earth.
Jaqueline was sitting on a chair next to the hospital bed holding Ashley's body. Some of Jaqueline's family was there, her former foster family, and a few social workers were there as well...all saying goodbye.
Then in comes two year old David.
He walked right up to Jaqueline with a big smile on his face, looked at Ashley and gave her a kiss. Then he looked back up to Jaqueline, gave her a big big hug and asked, "Ashley's in heaven? Ashley's not sick anymore?"
I pray that when I want to avoid those familiar, but uncomfortable memories....I will instead take the time to remember the ultimate purpose and blessings that resulted.
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