Big Emotions & Preparing to Grieve

Lately, I have had many moments of feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions.

...When I buckle him into his car seat and look into those big brown eyes. He smiles and turns his face so I can give his cheek a great big kiss. Then he turns the other cheek so I can kiss that one too.

...When we listen to 'his song' and I think about what it might feel like to listen to it without him.

...When he tells me "Mommy, I LOVE you!" and gives me a huge, tight, hug.

...When I see him and David hugging because they haven't seen each other in a few hours and missed one another.

...When I see how excited he gets to spend time with his grandma and grandpa.

Oh, the list goes on and on. I am just preparing to grieve and I need to do that so that I am ready when and if it happens. I have no idea how I am going to respond to losing him.

Tonight I spoke his mom. We spoke for quite a while. I was on the phone while I was putting him down to bed (it was a little later than usual) and so I said, "Maybe your mommy can say goodnight to you and sing you a song?" He wanted the ABCs. It took a little while and I was imagining that she might not want to sing in front of other people while on the phone, but he kept saying, "I can't hear you. Sing it louder." I heard her singing to him and it was really so sweet to hear. So so incredibly sweet. I don't know if she had ever sung him to sleep before, but tonight she did.

Is it weird that in a way, I wish we could go back in time and adopt her? We were talking after the boys went to sleep and I tend to fill up the conversation with information about her son, but at the end I just felt very strongly that I needed to tell her that we CARE about her. And so I did. We really do. Then our time was up and we said goodbye. I pray that she feels LOVED by us because I don't know if she has ever really experienced what love really is. I pray that she feels it and accepts it so that she can learn it and give it away to her sons.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."