Figuring out how...

I hope you don't mind, but I have a feeling that I may use this blog to help me process all that is about to happen over the next 6 months. I have a hard time verbally expressing strong emotions and so writing tends to be a more therapeutic way for me to get it all out. I also want to document this journey in case it can be of some help to other foster parents who are dealing with loss.

This is so different for me. More complicated in a way.

Just about three years ago around this time, we learned that Ashley had a brain tumor. A few months later, at just 14 months, she passed away. It was an intense and emotional time. God carried us through it and after three years, I've certainly learned more about the grieving and healing process.

This is different, though, and I find it challenging to prepare for losing (A). I want to prepare, but then again I don't. Tonight I looked up 'How to grieve the loss of your foster child' and came across this blog post:

Real Grief: Losing a Foster Child 

It actually helped me feel slightly more normal to read about grieving for your foster child long before they leave your family. This is how I am feeling. At times I tell myself I should 'suck it up' until I know for sure what is going to happen BUT that is easier said than done.

I know that with Jaqueline and Ashley, strong emotions are triggered when I see Jaqueline's notebook or run across a blanket that Ashley used to use... or if I go to the hospital where she died. With (A), there will be memories of my little guy EVERYWHERE. When Ashley passed away, it wasn't as difficult to focus on work and not get too distracted. (A) practically lives with me at work so I will have memories of him at every turn....

It isn't bad, it is just different and hard. I am really praying that God will give us the wisdom to know how to best take care of ourselves and to fully rely on Him so that we can be completely available to (A) and David if and when they need to process all of this.