Life is So Short

I find it so easy to get caught up in the day to day, "We need to do this and do that..." "We need to get this done NOW or else everything will fall apart..."

You know what I am talking about, right? Do you feel it too sometimes?

Do you know what helps to give me perspective? Death.

No, I don't mean to be morbid or depressing. Death is a fact of life...we don't live forever and we have no idea how we are going to die or when we are going die. We do, however, know that we will...at some point.

I don't know about you, but if I were to start off every day with the mentality that it is my last, I wouldn't get so upset about the messes......I wouldn't feel badly when people are disappointed in me...I wouldn't feel so angry when things don't go my way. I WOULD be  more patient with my boys in the morning...I MIGHT even laugh with the boys about gross bodily functions....I WOULD take the time to really play with them and listen to what they are trying to tell me...I WOULD want to be able to show God's love through me...I WOULD be more likely to forgive and let go....

Life is so short. God used Ashley to teach me that.

Lee is bringing A to Children's Hospital tomorrow. I was initially relieved that I didn't have to be there, but I now find myself wanting to go back. As I spoke with a nurse over the phone tonight, she described which entrance to take and what to do when they arrive. I can picture it so clearly....the parking structure, the elevators, the hallways, that Christmas tree, the Family Waiting Rooms....I can feel all of the feelings that go along with those places too.

I'm ok with it at this moment, though, because it reminds me that life is so much more than the 'do this and do that' and the 'get this done now.' Life is about how we love others...how God loves others through us because when we die, all that really matters is the LOVE that remains.

A few days ago I wanted to write with complaints about doctor appointments and how they are never-ending because certain doctors don't seem to know how to diagnose an ear infection...causing us to make multiple appointments until they finally see it. We are so ready for A to have those tubes in place!

Last night I was thinking that I should write about how I need to change my expectations so that I don't get as frustrated when David tries out some of the behaviors that we are working with A to diminish.

This morning I was thinking that I should write about how we are overcoming the recent 'food struggle' with David.

This afternoon I wanted to brag about how well the boys are beginning to play with each other.

An hour ago, I was searching online for homes with THREE bedrooms instead of TWO so that nap time doesn't have to be such a chore.


However, at the moment, I think I'll just stick to a brief overview of the weekend with a few pictures to go along!

We survived the six hour drive up to NY only because we left at 7pm and the boys slept most of the way:). We will pretend that my car's transmission didn't almost die on our way up...

It was SO special to see my parents, sis, brother-in-law, and PRECIOUS niece. She woke up in the middle of the night (or maybe early in the morning) on our first night there and I jumped out of bed because I thought one of the boys had fallen! It was only Naomi crying and I would have been happy to hold her all night long, but I let Erin put her back to bed.

Here is a picture of her awake:



The boys both helped grandma make Jello in the kitchen and soaked up attention from the family. I calculated that they were able to play nicely and unsupervised for about 30 seconds at a time. Thankfully, daddy taught them how to play ping pong and watched a few movies with them. It gave me time to read a book and snuggle with my niece:).




Setting up and decorating the Christmas tree was definitely the highlight for all. The boys were mesmerized and extremely excited to help out.



We returned home safely last night and were so thankful to have been able to spend time with family for Thanksgiving. We are now looking forward to Christmas in California!

Travel by car with two boys- check.

Travel by plane with two boys....ready or not:).

Why & How

There is so much that I want to share about this process with A. It is intriguing to observe how children react to being separated from their birth parents and then process that loss as they continue to have visits and say goodbye over and over again. I learn something new with each child and I don't ever want to forget it, which is why I try to write it down. Normally, I keep a journal about my personal responses to everything. That... along with the extensive notes that are included in our monthly report to social services lends to pretty decent documentation of the process. Today, I'll just share my thoughts on this blog since some of you may have your own opinion, observations, or suggestions!

After A's first, second, and third visit and goodbye, I was slightly tempted to say, "This is just too hard on him...what if it is causing more harm than good?" I didn't really believe that and even if I did...I don't really have a say, BUT I'm thankful that we persevered because today I am finally observing WHY it is important to maintain these strong bonds for A. However, just as important as the why...is the HOW.

 WHY:
* A has seen his mom often this past week. Because of this, he seems much more calm and easily reassured when we say 'goodbye' because he knows that it won't be long before he sees her again. 
* A needs to maintain his attachment with his mom in order to make his transition back home with her a more successful one.
* A's attachment to me is developing and it is important to see both his mom and I together and interacting in a positive manner. This leads me to the HOW...

HOW:
* It isn't always easy or comfortable, but I firmly believe in the great importance of foster parents developing a relationship with birth parents. These children NEED to see that both of the people who care for them are connected in some way...it brings about reassurance and strengthens their bond to both sets of parents.
* Visits are better in the child's natural environment rather than at social services. It's true...I saw a huge difference in A today when the visit was in a familiar home.
* It isn't in the child's best interest to be transported by a stranger after a visit. We had someone secured to do this since David is typically with me and the visits are a little later in the afternoon...making it for a long day for both boys. However, I've declined to use this service because A needs me most after a visit...he doesn't need to be crying in a car with some stranger.

So there you have it- the WHY and the HOW. You can be sure to expect other posts about maintaining child/birth parent attachment through difficult visitation situations in the future as they are not all going to be this easy!

Looking Up

I just wanted to write a quick post to share that things are looking up! Of course, it could just be a fluke because David is miserably sick and has been known to act much calmer when he is ill:). However, I'd like to think of it as the beginning of a trend...

A is really blossoming. His language is beginning to improve and he is starting to grasp certain boundaries that we have in our house (e.g., no hitting or kicking). He is sharing and taking turns- it is wonderful!

David is doing pretty well too. He is such a sweetheart, but can also be a challenge as he tries out some of A's behaviors to see what they are like (e.g., pushing, grabbing, spitting).

Overall, though, we are settling into a routine and there seems to be a lot less rushing and chaos around the house and more quality 'play time' with each other.

I'm excited to see how God continues to shape our family and pray that I can be used as a tool for this purpose rather than a hindrance!

Avoidance & My Winter Coat

I'll be honest, I have been avoiding.

Avoiding Children's National Medical Center in DC.

Avoiding certain songs.

Avoiding thinking about certain experiences.

Avoiding my winter coat.


Thankfully, God knows what I need more than I do. Perhaps that is why I conveniently left my warm coat alternatives at school these past few days. Perhaps that is why the temperature dropped today. Perhaps that is why my dad needed me to drive into DC to pick him up tonight.

I had no choice and so I put it on. I didn't really want to, but there really weren't any other alternatives. I wore my winter coat, I felt the chill in the air, we drove into DC, I met one of my dad's colleagues who brought it up, I listened to a certain song on the way home.....and then I just quit trying to avoid it and allowed myself to cry.

It's weird. Certain memories that I thought I had forgotten were suddenly flashing through my mind in vivid pictures....Ashley's smile that was almost like a reflex when we would touch her lips with that swab...the waiting and praying...and the diagnosis. The 1% chance....the struggle with acceptance...the feeling of desperation when we didn't know if Jaqueline would make it here.


Who knew God could use my winter coat to push me out of avoidance?

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:6

Early Thanksgiving & Family

I am thankful that my parents are in town and that my mom was able to meet A and spend time with the boys!



I am thankful that we were able to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with David's birth mommy, his tio, and primos.



Here are some comments that David made on our way to his birth mom's house:

David: "A, mommy N is my birth mommy."

David: "Grandma, you've never met my foster mommy before."

Me: "David, do you mean birth mommy?"

David: "Oh yes, my birth mommy. She's really nice."

What a complicated family structure we have! It is a beautiful one, though, and I am so glad that my mom was able to finally meet David's birth mom. It was a special early Thanksgiving for all of us.

One Year Ago...

Ashley had finished celebrating her first birthday...



Jaqueline had taken her to three different doctors and she was given three different diagnoses...



Little did she know that in just 11 days, Ashley would have a seizure that would bring her to the hospital where she would be diagnosed with a brain tumor...


A life changing journey of love and sacrifice was about to begin. Jaqueline would make the decision for her daughter to take a MedEvac from Chiapas, Mexico to Washington DC....without her.



I really haven't spent much time sitting and thinking about where we were a year ago during this season. I suppose my boys' busy-ness has something to do with that along with the fact that I have had so many opportunities to process and even share about what happened with Jaqueline and Ashley.

Unfortunately, I don't think that Jaqueline has been able to fully process and think about what transpired a year ago. The pain and exhaustion were so much deeper for her and so the need to continue to express what is going on in her mind is so much more important. She is struggling. I wish that she could be here or I could be there...she just needs someone who understands...someone she feels safe with - to cry and scream or whatever she needs.

Please pray for Jaqueline...that God would provide her with a mother-like friend since her mother is not emotionally available for her right now. She desperately needs that in order to continue to heal from all of the hurts she has experienced in her 19 years of life.