De Ja Vu

Exactly two years ago from October 28th, (A) joined our foster family. I remember holding him as he cried for his mom as she was leaving. I remember cradling him in my arms as he fell asleep...those big eyes staring up at mine. He must have felt so scared. David was asleep in his room. (Z) was spending the weekend with us and was asleep in our bedroom. I fell asleep on the couch with (A).

That weekend we had all three kids...ages 3, 3, and 2.

This weekend we are going to have all three kids...ages 5, 5, and 4.

I am sure there will be a few moments of de ja vu for me this weekend. I know that there have been many for (A) over these past few weeks. People leaving through that front door has triggered his memories of loss.

He cried real tears when his cousin left the other week.

He cried real tears this morning when Lee left for work. 

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It doesn't matter how many times I listen to it, but a certain song brings me right back to that morning. I hear it and I feel her hand in mine...we are driving away from the hospital and it is playing on the radio. She sings along. I knew she was singing it to her daughter. It had been a long night. She didn't want to leave and so I held her until she cried herself to sleep. We woke up the next morning and walked out of the hospital...without Ashley.

I will never ever begin to fully comprehend the immense pain of losing a child, but I will always remember the way her hand felt in mine when I hear that song (Gracias a Ti) and it will always remind me of how no matter what happens...God redeems the pain that comes from horrible, tragic loss.

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