Feel Like Crying

Oh the emotions.

This teaches me for saying that I was happily in the denial stage and not having too many ups and downs.

I don't even know where to start.

It just hurts. It is so good that he gets to see his mom. She is doing really well and he is happier because of it.

But after 15 months, just jumping in and moving so quickly with the transition has left me feeling a little shell shocked. I feel this struggle in myself....wanting and praising God for how well things are going and then desperately just wanting to keep things the way that they are. Maybe a little fear...I can't even begin to imagine what our family is going to be like without him. We are always always together. It is going to be so quiet. Fear that I won't be able to support them both in their own grieving process...

Today, after the visit, I was driving (A) home, listening to music, and the tears just started to fall. I couldn't look back at him. I could make my voice sound completely normal and happy, but I just couldn't look back at him.

As soon as we got home, Lee let me leave and take a walk so that I could compose myself.

I called my parents. I knew they would listen and not judge me in my selfish 'I wish this didn't have to happen' moment. After our conversation, it struck me that I HAVE been so selfish...thinking that Lee, David, (A), and I will be the only ones really effected by this. I couldn't be more wrong and how much harder it must be for the grandparents/abuelos and great-grandparents because while I have other friends and foster parents to offer me support, there aren't that many other 'foster grandparents' out there who will 'get it' for them.

So by the time my walk and conversations were over, I was still a little teary-eyed, but the feeling of 'I'm about to burst into sobs at any moment' had passed.

We went out to dinner. Now, I must be one of the most blessed moms in the world because both of my boys LOVE to snuggle. David asked to sit in my lap and give me a hug before dinner. As I held him close and looked into his eyes, I thanked God for him. It was just three years ago that we expected to say goodbye to him after 15 months...what a privilege it has been to be his forever mom! Then (A) had to have a turn and I made note of how happy he looked. Having his mom back has really helped so much. I just held him and thanked God for the time we have had and for whatever time is left.

It was a great dinner. Both boys chowed down and we all left full and happy.

Then tonight, the boys were taking their time getting ready for bed. You know when you call your children by their full names to get their attention? Example: "David Vasquez, focus on what you are doing." I do the same thing for (A), but use his last name.

Well, as (A) was getting his pajamas on, I gave him a reminder: "(A), focus on getting dressed." and he shouts out, "(A) VASQUEZ, it's time to get dressed!"

Lee and I just looked at each other with a mixture of amusement and sadness. Neither of us had the heart to correct him.