Mommy-David Time

I am so thankful that David is not by nature too jealous or possessive. (A) gets a lot of my attention because he needs it and I need to show him that I am trustworthy and reliable.

I do my best to balance my time and attention between them both. (A) is just more needy and so he tends to require more time.

Lately I noticed that David was working hard to get negative attention from me and it was then that I realized he needed some alone time.

So tonight we did something special together. Lee and I had not bought his Christmas present since we were in California and we decided it might be fun for him to help us shop for it. I asked Lee if it was alright if this could count as our 'alone time' and he agreed.

My sweet son has such a big heart. It is so easy to miss this when he is acting silly and doing his best to ignore my directions.

On our way to go shopping for his gifts, this is what he initiates as the topic of our conversation:

"Mommy some people don't have houses and so they are going to be cold. We need to buy them a house so that they can be warm and cozy. They need food too so that they won't be hungry."

Wow. I thank God that he has such a heart for serving and loving others already.

Our time together was precious. He is the easiest child to shop with! I mean, imagine you walk into a toy store and tell your 3 year old that they can pick any two toys they want. You'd expect to leave with a child in tears because they can't get everything they want, right?  Well, he picked out two toys (a trumpet and a recycling truck) and was interested in a few others, but after we looked through all the aisles, he announced, "Ok, I think this is good."

It was really special to spend that time with David. Below is a picture of him enjoying our home-made pizza for dinner yesterday. Both he and (A) had a blast making it!

David continues to have a fever (mostly in the evenings) and so please pray that we are able to determine what is causing this.

Best Interest & Peace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 

My aunt recently shared this blessing with me...knowing the peace of Jesus.

I am reading and re-reading this verse tonight because I desire to be at peace. It is REALLY hard for me to not know where Jaqueline is or how she is doing. We have tried every way possible to get in touch with her to no avail. All I can think of is that if something horrible were to happen to her in Mexico...we would never know it. I do not like that.

At the same time, I know that it is not in my control and that she is protected and loved by her Heavenly Father more than I could ever protect and love her. This does bring me a sense of peace.

It is just harder today of all days.

Lee was so patient with me today...patient with my lack of patience with him and the kids. I was irritable because I was feeling sad. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone today...I would have liked to just sit alone and remember and cry, but it's ok.

A's visit with his grandparents was this morning. It went well and it was nice to meet them. A is attaching to me. I can tell because he is seeking me for comfort over his family members. This has happened with our other little ones and I'm not surprised because we have spent so much time together this past month. He also imitates EVERYTHING David does and David just so happens to like to be around me. I suppose it kind of makes me like a toy that they fight over because there is only one of me and if David wants me...then I must be something worthwhile:).

Anyway, we learned that they are going to seek custody of A. Placement with relatives is always goal #2 after placement with birth parent. Better now than later, but it is still hard to think of him leaving...I don't like it. It would be counted a success by social services if it happens and works out. In fact, we have seen two of our little ones placed with family members and we are still in touch with them and love them all. Still...I don't like to think about him leaving. He has so many changes in his short life.

This brings me to the topic of 'Best Interest.' Have there ever been times when a child is returned to his/her family and you wonder....is this really in their best interest? I think of A and how much progress he has made. I look into his dark eyes and see him soaking in everything around him...I see the love and joy and security in those eyes so much more than the sadness I used to see as I held him and rocked him to sleep.

Alright. I think I'll stop here because I could try to explain why A should be here versus anywhere else, but it isn't for me to decide. God knows where he needs to be and I trust His plans for A's life. How could I not? He so clearly taught me about the magnitude of His love for His children through Jaqueline and Ashley.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Doctor Appointments Galore & Mixed Emotions

All I can say is that I am thankful for my husband's job. Extremely thankful. David stayed home with Lee yesterday from day care because he woke up with a 102.5 fever (day 5 of fever). Today I was planning to go into work because it was Lee's day off and he was going to take A for his 3 year physical. Well, David woke up with a 103.3 fever (day 6 of fever) and so I stayed home to take A to his physical so that Lee could take David back to the doctor. They have different doctors which makes things a little more complicated when they have to have appointments on the same day.

A's physical went well. Everyone was so impressed with how much calmer he was and how much more he was talking. We are so proud of him and he is very proud of himself- it is adorable.

David's doctor is concerned that he has had so many long lasting, high fevers. He prescribed antibiotics and recommended that we make an appointment with the pulmonologist and perhaps with infectious diseases to make sure that there isn't an underlying cause. Oh boy.

Anyway, I'm excited that I get to be home most of the week in order to actually take them to these appointments and I suppose that I should be thankful for more opportunities to practice patience and trusting God with the health of my children.

This upcoming weekend is a busy one. We are visiting with A's grandparents, his brother, and his mom. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. It is a little much, I think....we probably won't group them together like this again.

So I have had mixed emotions today. A lot of ups and downs. It has been hard not to be able to talk with Jaqueline. I've felt disappointed about that. I've felt joy as I watch A blossom before my eyes. I've felt overwhelmed with the thought of everything we have planned tomorrow and disappointment that I won't have a good amount of quality time to visit Ashley's grave. I've felt worry for David and exhaustion from lack of sleep. I've felt thankful for my amazing family and a little nervous about what might happen in A's future.

I think I might spend some time praying that God provides Jaqueline with comfort and peace...praying that both A and little A end up in families where they are meant to be (whether that be our family or with family members)...praying that God heals David's body and helps the doctors to figure out what is causing his illnesses.

I think I might also spend some time thanking God for bringing all of these amazing children into our lives.

Two More Days

In two more days it will be one year.

One year ago from today, we were bringing Ashley and Jaqueline home from the hospital. We thought Ashley had two months. She had two days.

I've been wanting to share these precious videos of Ashley for a while, but have been unable to download them. We used to play them for her in the hospital. Watching them makes me want to just scoop her up and hug her. As David often says, I can't wait to get to heaven!

Please pray for Jaqueline and for me to not worry about her. We haven't heard from her and have been unable to reach her for a few months now. I really REALLY wish she could be here. Especially in two days....on January 8th.

I Survived!!

Two doctor appointments. Two boys. No nap.

First appointment: 10:45-1:00
Second appointment: 2:15-4:00

I survived!

It was incredible. They did so well. I was so proud of them. Especially of A...he is making so much progress in controlling his body and understanding boundaries. David had a few moments....like when he tried sticking an ear insert up his nose during A's hearing test. Really? 

It was ridiculous how much time we spent waiting for doctors today, but oh well...it was good practice in patience for all of us.

The entire time I kept thinking.....what is this going to be like if we have THREE?

Speaking of three...it is seeming less likely that A's little brother will join our family. To be honest, I am disappointed because I really feel as though it is best for the boys to be together. We'll see what happens- you never know!

David's California Quotes

I've shared these with family members who informed me that I need to write them down and so here it goes....David's quotes over the past week or so. Interestingly most of his talking occurred in the car. Or maybe that was because most of our time was spent in the car? Who knows!

1) While driving in the car after visiting the San Diego Zoo, David overheard us discussing how we should spend the later afternoon. He chimed in:

D: "Mommy! I prefer to go to the beach."
M: "You what?"
D: "I PREFER to go to the beach, mommy."
M: "Thank you for sharing your preference, David."

2) I sat in the back of the van with David one night and he reached over, held my hand, looked into my eyes and told me, "I'm so special to you, mommy." Yes you are, David.

3) Again, in the car- David finished eating a snack and shouted to me,

D: "Mommy! My food is coming up into my throat!"
M: "Hmmm ok, you must have eaten too much. Tell it to stay down."
D: (begins yelling out 'or else' statements)
M: "Maybe it will listen if you ask it nicely to stay down?"
D: "I can't talk to my food, mommy, because I can't put my head down into my stomach!!"
M: (laughing- I had no response to this)

4) While waiting in line for the restroom at the San Diego Zoo (not sure why you need to know this, but I'll give you the setting nonetheless), David randomly recalls an activity that we did together over the summer.

"Remember yesterday when we mixed blue and yellow and they made GREEN??"

Apparently he remembered it like it was yesterday:).

5) Lee's parents live on a camp and out of their window you can see a mountain with a white cross on top of it. One day, Lee told David we were going to hike up there and he was NOT fond of that idea at all until Lee told him that there was a surprise at the top. With that information, he was ready to go!

Of course, hiking a few miles uphill with two kids was not our idea of a vacation so I'm not sure why Lee even mentioned it in the first place:). Anyway, we explained that there was a cross at the top and what the cross means and how Jesus showed us how much he loves us by taking away all of the bad things that we have done. It isn't easy explaining why Jesus died for us to a 3 year old. Any suggestions?

Anyway, after that...every time David would see the cross, he exclaimed,

"Look at the cross on top of that mountain. It reminds us from (he replaces of with from:) Jesus and how much he loves us!"

6) Last, but not least. David's shoes were soaked during his Disney trip and because I packed light...they were his only pair. To be honest, he needed a new pair of shoes anyway so we stopped at Payless and picked up a pair of 'light up' Cars shoes. Of course, these are the only shoes he wants to wear now and apparently he was trying to decide what should become of his previous pair. This is what he decided:

"I think we should give my shoes for another child who doesn't have shoes. Is that a good idea, mommy?"

Here is a picture of my little man in front of a cactus. He learned about cactus in his class at school and was VERY excited to inspect this plant up close! Well, not too close, of course:). 

Alright- Goodnight! It is officially 8:30pm...on the West Coast:).

Trust & Listening

I have so many photos and stories to tell about our trip to California, but they are going to have to wait.

Instead, I am going to ramble about deeper things. I do mean 'ramble' because I am still going to sleep as if I was on the West Coast and am forced to wake up as though I live on the East Coast. Oh wait, I do!

This past year or so God has taught me about trust. He has taught me that He is trustworthy in both the big and small things in life. I've learned that I do trust Him, but that I get a little impatient when I don't see the purpose right away:).

Just recently, God has been teaching me about listening. He used a variety of means to reveal this new lesson to me...one of them being my children- can you guess why? Yes, I was complaining about how my boys tend to have selective hearing and sometimes blatantly ignore what I say. This came about during a conversation about parenting and a reminder that our Heavenly Father has disobedient children (us!) just like we do. All of the sudden it clicked. Here I am annoyed that my children don't listen to me and when was the last time that I really sat down and listened to God?

And so my hope and prayer for this new year is that I take the time to listen to my Father.

"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high." 

Psalm 3:3