Strange

Time passes and memories become less crisp...for me that takes less time than for others!

Still, there are moments that take me back...and lately there have been more than usual. Probably because in some way I am preparing for my upcoming trip to be with Jaqueline.

Today it was a little strange. (A) was in the back seat making weird gasping noises for fun. No big deal..the boys know they can't do that when they are eating or drinking, but at any other time it doesn't pose a risk:). So he was sitting in his car seat, which is behind the passenger seat of my car, making those gasping noises and for some strange reason I had a flash back to when Ashley was making those same noises in the same back seat of my car. Except her noises weren't for fun, her noises were what the hospice nurses called 'end of life breathing.' Those gasps, her small 14 month old body propped up in the car seat, the oxygen tank next to her, rushing to the hospital, praying that she wouldn't die as we were driving....it was as if it were happening at that moment. I shook my head and tried to think of something else.

Tomorrow morning I drive (A) bright and early to the same hospital in which Ashley took her last breaths as Jaqueline was holding her in her arms. Not sure what kind of vivid memories might wait for me there. Not sure if I'm ready.

I wonder how many more memories Jaqueline has. I wonder if some of them might come flooding back to her as she gives birth for the second time. I wonder if being in the same hospital where Ashley was sick will trigger anything for her...I wonder if seeing me might also be slightly more difficult. I wonder how we are going to say goodbye again this time...

Despite my wondering, I have strong faith that this trip and our time together will allow us both further healing. I pray that it brings us both closer to each other and to our Creator who loves us with a steadfast love that endures forever.