Life Book Time

David's Life Book has been sitting on a shelf in our living room for a while. He never really took too much interest in it. His ladybug photo album held more appeal, I guess.

On our way to school this morning, David asked, "When is (A) going to go live with his mommy?" He was just curious.

Then he asked me, "When is the judge gonna say that I will go live with Mommy N.?"

Oh, the conversations we have. I wonder what conversations more 'typical' families have on their drives to school?

Anyway, I realized that it was time to break out the Life Book!

Tonight before bed, we read through it. He can understand so much more and is asking more questions.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised since just a few months ago the boys were asking how babies come out of their mommy's bellies and then just the other night they started inquiring as to how they get IN their mommy's bellies. Yeah. I kind of avoided both questions:).

David LOVED reading his Life Book. (A) had gone to bed early so we were able to sit on the couch and read it. I have one for (A) as well, but it isn't finished. It is hard sometimes...being able to share stories about when David was a baby, but having to tell (A) that I am not sure what he first babbled or whether or not his abuela rocked him to sleep, but that we can ask his mommy. Then again, we feel very blessed that we are at least able to ask his mommy!

Well, that's about it for now...just thought I'd share that today was the official date that David's Life Book came in handy:). Those numerous hours (dare I say months?) that I spent putting it together were actually worth it haha.

(A)'s Quotes

Me: "You will play with your mommy tomorrow."

(A): "Is today tomorrow?"

----

A mom of (A)'s friend from school came in with a different hair style and he asked, "Did you get a new mommy?" He still thinks everyone has two like him:).

-----

"David, I love you SO much. And I love daddy SO much and mommy SO much. And you all love me SO much!"

-----

"Today I read a book about a baby strong."

Me: "You read a book about a strong baby?"

"Yeah, and the baby was holding a strong thing."

Me: "Was the baby lifting weights?"

"Yeah."

Still working on word order and specific language use with him:)

--------

Emergency Button

You know those emergency buttons on elevators? And do they even have them on the metro? Well, you know what they are...the emergency buttons. If something is happening that you feel is dangerous, you can push or pull that button and stop the ride.

The ride. I suppose it is more like a roller coaster, in which case you really don't have an emergency button on those...you just have to suffer through it until it is over.

I've said this phrase so many times....foster parenting is an 'emotional roller coaster,' but it is so worth it because the kids are so worth it.

I just forgot how exhausting it is. It is hard.

Tonight I just want off the ride. Or at least just a little reprieve from the uncertainty. I want him to stay.

If I can't get off the ride, then I at least want (A) and David to have a little break from it....

I cannot even imagine how the lack of permanency is impacting (A) .

I know a little more about how this is effecting David....he needs more reassurance that he is here forever. He wakes up with nightmares calling out for (A) or for me or Lee.

BUT when I see (A) so proud to show his mom around our home...HIS home and when I see them connecting....I feel God so clearly showing me how He is using this.

When I watch David so carefully take care of his stuffed animals who 'don't have a family'....then I see how God is using this to shape his heart.

When I read of how God's 'faithful love endures forever,' I am reminded that we are to love faithfully, we are to love with endurance, and we are to love forever.

And so I resist pushing that emergency button and I continue on this ride....knowing that when it is over...it will have been so worth it. Love always is. 

Feeling Blessed

so incredibly blessed....

That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone:)

I am feeling blessed. I love how God does that....comforts us while we struggle in those hard places...lifts us up...and before we even realize it, we move from those feelings of desperation and depression to feeling blessed.

I am blessed by our boys. Those sweet, sometimes whiny, almost always cuddly, adorable boys.

I am blessed by my husband. My patient, loving, makes the best eggs for breakfast, husband.

I am blessed by my friends. My friends who send words of encouragement, listen to my rambling, and who best of all....just love us the way we are.

But most of all...I am blessed by my Heavenly Father, who so clearly walks with us through these 'valleys' and faithfully teaches us more about Himself as we willingly (although not always that willingly) give up to Him...the things (or people) we love and value most.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 ² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 ³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
 ⁵ You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.

------

Here is a song that I have been trying to learn and sing to the boys before bed. I'm not quite there, but getting closer:). The words have meant a lot to me as I prepare to let go.... 

I Couldn't Love You More by Matt Hammitt

Feel Like Crying

Oh the emotions.

This teaches me for saying that I was happily in the denial stage and not having too many ups and downs.

I don't even know where to start.

It just hurts. It is so good that he gets to see his mom. She is doing really well and he is happier because of it.

But after 15 months, just jumping in and moving so quickly with the transition has left me feeling a little shell shocked. I feel this struggle in myself....wanting and praising God for how well things are going and then desperately just wanting to keep things the way that they are. Maybe a little fear...I can't even begin to imagine what our family is going to be like without him. We are always always together. It is going to be so quiet. Fear that I won't be able to support them both in their own grieving process...

Today, after the visit, I was driving (A) home, listening to music, and the tears just started to fall. I couldn't look back at him. I could make my voice sound completely normal and happy, but I just couldn't look back at him.

As soon as we got home, Lee let me leave and take a walk so that I could compose myself.

I called my parents. I knew they would listen and not judge me in my selfish 'I wish this didn't have to happen' moment. After our conversation, it struck me that I HAVE been so selfish...thinking that Lee, David, (A), and I will be the only ones really effected by this. I couldn't be more wrong and how much harder it must be for the grandparents/abuelos and great-grandparents because while I have other friends and foster parents to offer me support, there aren't that many other 'foster grandparents' out there who will 'get it' for them.

So by the time my walk and conversations were over, I was still a little teary-eyed, but the feeling of 'I'm about to burst into sobs at any moment' had passed.

We went out to dinner. Now, I must be one of the most blessed moms in the world because both of my boys LOVE to snuggle. David asked to sit in my lap and give me a hug before dinner. As I held him close and looked into his eyes, I thanked God for him. It was just three years ago that we expected to say goodbye to him after 15 months...what a privilege it has been to be his forever mom! Then (A) had to have a turn and I made note of how happy he looked. Having his mom back has really helped so much. I just held him and thanked God for the time we have had and for whatever time is left.

It was a great dinner. Both boys chowed down and we all left full and happy.

Then tonight, the boys were taking their time getting ready for bed. You know when you call your children by their full names to get their attention? Example: "David Vasquez, focus on what you are doing." I do the same thing for (A), but use his last name.

Well, as (A) was getting his pajamas on, I gave him a reminder: "(A), focus on getting dressed." and he shouts out, "(A) VASQUEZ, it's time to get dressed!"

Lee and I just looked at each other with a mixture of amusement and sadness. Neither of us had the heart to correct him.

Therapy & The Healing Process

Our Therapy Schedule:

MONDAY: Adoption-Related Therapy 

TUESDAY: Speech Therapy 

WEDNESDAY: No therapy 

THURSDAY: Filial Play Therapy

FRIDAY: Occupational Therapy

SATURDAY: Filial Play Therapy 

SUNDAY: No therapy

Do you think we have enough therapy each week?

I have to tell you, though, I am so thankful for therapy. My boys are working through some incredibly deep and powerful 'stuff' through their play. You really have to see it to believe it.

I wish I had been trained in Filial Play Therapy a long time ago and feel as though any parent could benefit...especially foster and adoptive parents.  

Filial Play Therapy is a closely related form of child-centred play therapy that involves the parents or caregivers directly as the agents of therapeutic change. We have a specific set of toys, a special location, and days when we have what is called 'special play time.' Themes have emerged during these times together and while I am no therapist, I can tell that it is a big deal. 

It is such a gift to have the opportunity to watch as my sons work through and process what is going on and what has happened in their little lives. 

I am also so thankful to have the support and guidance of the boys' therapists as we navigate this time of uncertain change together. 

All Together Now

All Together Now
by: Anita Jeram

This book was given to our family by a friend. We had not read it in a while, but just today the boys asked to read it twice. It is such a sweet story about adoption! I love the part where it mentions that even though the little animals don't look like their mother, she is still their mother just the same. The boys each identified with an animal right away and interacted with the book tonight in a way that they had not been able to in the past.


After reading the book this morning, David placed a handful of stuffed animals on the couch and informed me that he had adopted each one- all seven to be exact. 

Tonight, we were talking about when the boys were babies and (A) stated, "I wish I could be a baby again in your family."

Me too, (A)....


Being a foster parent is so complicated. Helping to prepare a child to go home and to transfer their attachment from you to their birth parent when you are not 100% sure that reunification will happen is really tough. Really tough. I don't have it figured out at all.

Lately, I've had moments where I almost want to rush it (kinda like pulling a bandaid off quickly because you know it is going to hurt and you would rather that not be a drawn out process). Then, when I think about packing up ALL his stuff and saying goodbye, I begin to feel overwhelmed and a little panicky so I stop thinking about it.

I'm almost done with his Life Book, but I think that I will wait to order that at the last minute.

One day at a time.

We are all together (for) now.